An open letter to Columbia Records...

Att: Marketing Director, Columbia Records UK.

Dear Columbia Records,

I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Nic Schwerdtfeger, I am a photographer and music enthusiast that is originally from Cape Town, South Africa. I currently reside in Trondheim, Norway.

I have a bone to pick with your fine record label, well, lets not jump into that right off the bat, let me start by commending you on a job well done. It has come to my attention that the young vocal starlet known to us as Adele is signed to your company. This must have been a fantastic acquisition for you. Where I'm from when a man acquires a young female to make a profit from he is labelled with names I dare not write on a Sunday. (I am writing this entire letter assuming you are a man, if you are a woman, my sincerest apologies. Also, I have recently heard some shocking things in the music industry, if you are a minotaur, triceratops, goat or of a different species, I am terribly sorry too.) But its great that you probably got a promotion and a not so well deserved vacation for scouting out and signing the stunning voice that we have all come to recognise and love.

My real issue isn't with you or your company, some of my favourite artists are signed to you label, so please receive this knowing it came only with the intention of trying to better the music industry. My real issue is with Adele and whoever is helping her with her songwriting. The titles are catchy enough. But the actual meaning behind them is slightly bothering. Bothering to a point that my paranoia has driven me to believe that she must be some sort of mutant. I will list some examples. "Set Fire to the Rain" - This is not humanly possible. I tried. I poured a bottle of water on to the sidewalk and even with the aid of my cigarette lighter nothing happened. My hands got wet which was slightly irritating. As we all know rain is small pieces of water, and the molecular structure of water is 2 parts Hydrogen, 1 part Oxygen. Do you know what temperature is needed for that bond to become broken and for the Oxygen to be ignited? No, you probably don't. Well I do. Its roughly 1000C. How could one 24 year old woman generate this kind of heat all by herself? There must be some genetic hiccup that grants her this magnificent ability. Or is she faking it? (She wouldn't be the first.) I have noticed she always wear loose fitting clothing, what is she hiding under that pashmina? Some technological inferno device that isn't yet publicly available? I'll tell you one thing, as soon as it does become available to the psychologically unstable masses, I will purchase one, and the rain is not the only thing I will be setting fire to. Unless I am provided with some sort of blatant lie that has brilliant marketing, or something for free, I will be forced to continue believing that she is a monster.

The next song is a tricky one, partly because I have no idea what it is about, and partly because I have let my imagination run a little wild. "Rolling in the Deep" - I assume this song is about some sort of confusion? Obviously at some point our young diva was having some boy or girl trouble. Let's take a step back and analyse this for a second. Rolling in anything cannot be good for you. Unless it is some sort of pastry or sweet substance, even then, you would have to shower afterwards, which would be a nuisance and no fun at all after the first time. "Rolling in the Hay" on the other hand would be a suitable title, but once again, there are problems with sexual suggestion in popular music. The deep is never a good place to be. Well, unless we're talking about sex again. The first thing that springs to mind  is water. Why would you want to roll around underwater? Furthermore, how could you possibly do this for an extended time period? You would most definitely have to be some sort of mutant. This only emphasises my previous point of her being genetically "gifted". I can hold hold my breath for maybe 1 and a bit minutes if compelled to do so under drastic circumstances. Given that I have the build of an over-fed otter, we will take this as a base line for the next calculation. Adele has the build of a... well, lets not beat around the bush here, a seal. (admittedly she has made some "positive" improvements with regards to her image.) A seal can hold its breath for a lot longer than an otter. How do I know this you might ask? I dont. But it makes sense to me. Getting to the point here, no matter what this measurement of time is, it is finite. So once again Adele has lead us to believe that she can defy natures laws of physical properties. And yet no where have I seen mention from your side that she could possibly be something other than Homo Erectus. We want the truth.

The last song in question is the one that struck a chord with all of us. "Someone like you"- I was brought up in a multi-cultural, multi-race, multi-problematic country, this has probably had a huge effect on me, leading me to believe for some ridiculous reason that every human being is different and unique. Please explain to me how after being in a relationship with someone, you would want to go out and replace that someone with an exact replica? I can speak from personal experience here, after just having come out of a draining two year atrocity of a "relationship", the last thing I am looking for is to find a replica of the previous emotionally lethargic nag-bag that I was chained to. Being a firm believer in common sense, the logical thing to do would be to find someone completely different? Right? I am sure that I am not the only one with this train of thought. I assume that you being in the music industry have already had 3 different wives. So I would expect you to be somewhat understanding of what I am saying here. I find it hard to believe that a young woman of 24 would have the sufficient wisdom and life experience to make these sort of remarks either. Chance's are that this song, having already been written and published was a personal memoir of Adele's. This would mean as well she must have gone through some heartbreaking situation. Let me give you a heads up sweetheart. If he is your ex now, the guy you be terminally happy with, will be nothing like him. So I will save you some time that you could put to better use by writing songs or stealing Grammy's from Lady Gaga. Stop trying to find the "someone like you". You should instead be looking for "nothing like him at all". All of this back and forth and psychoanalytical insight has left me to believe on thing. Adele is a robot. She is a construction  of the music industry that has been created to spread confusion and lies into the hearts of the general public. As soon as I can prove this, I will come out with it to the tabloids and the internet. Adele will be shamed and then Gaga will win all the Grammy's.

In conclusion I would like to say thank you for taking the time out to read my letter. I will end off by saying well done on a two more points I forgot to mention earlier. The name thing. Adele is whole lot better than Adele Laurie Blue Adkins. Way to go on dropping the "Blue" part, as we all remember the last thing that British music industry purged into the world with the word "Blue" in it was, well quite frankly quite shit. The image thing is a case study waiting to happen. WOW! You guys managed to find a voice so powerful, so bright and so honest that we have all been brainwashed into completely forgetting what she is actually singing about. The whole "girl next door to the farm house" thing really lends itself to her musical style as well. Its minds like yours that made Madonna what she is today, in a completely way more b-grade porn kinda way.

 I hope we can manage to be civil about this whole thing, as an editorial photographer, my goal in the future is to be shooting the bands and artists that your fine record label is signing. Let me know if there is anything you want to swing my way in the future.


Kindest Regards.

Nic "TwoShoes" Schwerdtfeger.

The Queen was most unimpressed that Adele did not show face at the 2012 London Olympics.