My name is Nic Schwerdtfeger, I am photographer living in Trondheim that is originally from Cape Town, South Africa. No, not Australia. Cape Town is not in Australia. I feel like I need to say this as I often been called "mate" by some Norwegians when I say I'm from Cape Town. In fact one person even questioned my authenticity by asking if I was sure about Cape Town being in South Africa. If it wasn't for my pity on the dim-witted, I would have been amused, but I was not amused. I am very aware that Norway is an extremely wealthy country due to the jackpot you guys lucked out on with the whole oil thing, but can't you afford half-decent Geography teachers? Where is my tax money going Anniken?
Im jumping the gun here a bit, the real purpose of this letter is not about Australia, or Geography. Today I became aware that you were "relocated", or got the axe as we like to say. I am extremely sad about Mr Stoltenbergs decision here. I guess I should firstly state that writing this, I have done no research whatsoever into the current state of affairs regarding Jens' realignment campaign, therefore if I am completely off the mark here, please correct me. I guess you can identify with this though, as on a few occasions I have heard you being interviewed, and it seems like you have a similar approach.
I was devastated to find out that you are no longer to be the Norwegian culture minister. Ok, I need to get something else off my chest here. I dont understand you, not as in your behaviour, as in when you speak, it could be a mix of that cute lisp you have and your dialect. Kan du itj Trøndersk for faen? I have supported your cause ever since my first trip to this fine land. I remember back to the first few weeks I spent here and the fantastic examples of Norwegian culture that I witnessed. Some of these memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The first job that I had in Norway as a bartender, I witnessed something truly spectacular. It was closing time and I was wiping down the bar, when I noticed a guy standing in the corner pulling very peculiar faces at me, I walked around the bar to tell him we were closing and he should be going. Everything was going to plan until lo and behold there was a young woman on her knees, (well there is no way of saying this politely), blowing him. Much to my dismay and clear display of shock, neither of them would be stirred. And I mean she was going for it, like really going for it! Eventually I had to get the bouncer to "escort" them to the door. This is what I experienced as Norwegian culture. And I liked it. This is due to your fine work Anniken. What is to come now that you have been replaced? I am slightly worried.
From the teenagers in red, blue and black jumpsuits I saw urinating on one of their classmates whilst he was throwing up in the street, to the random couples having (most probably) unprotected sex in public I have passed in the early hours of the morning, the excessive binge drinking of the general public and random acts of blind violence, I think I have had a great impression due completely to your effort of Norwegian culture. I think we have a lot in common Anniken, generally when I fuck something up, I do it massively, sheer catastrophe is the only way I do things wrong. You know what I'm talking about.
Humour aside though, I have something you might be interested in. Call this a proposition or what you will, but I think we should be collaborating on something together. I guess before I go any further here, I should tell you that I am extremely attracted to you. I think mildly obsessed would be more correct. Just so you know, you have been for the last 3 months and will continue to be my desktop background. My friends and colleagues think I slightly mad, but I dont care. Some of them even made some awful remarks about your vajayjay, but I defended you. Although I must ask out of curiosity, are you naturally ginger? If yes, does the carpet match the curtains? If yes to that last one too, thats cool with me.
I dreamed that we would go on a walk through Bergen together, hopefully one night its not pissing with rain. Walking through the streets on a mellow Autumn evening, arms draped around each other we would arrive at a restaurant with fine wine, well groomed waitrons and fantastic creme bruleé. Im guessing you would have fish? I dont know why, but you look a "fish" person. Afterwards I would caress your soft minister hands and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Assuming you are like all the other Norwegian women I know, we all know what happens next. You know that I'm actually not white? Thats right, brown from the waist down. Yes, I said that. I can give you some references if you need? Just shoot me an email if it sounds like something you could be into.
You clearly dont belong in politics Anniken. I need someone like you by my side. I need an editor for my blog, a photo assistant, a retoucher, a PA, a travel planner and someone to take care of all the annoying details in my life. I pay well too, apart from the occasional free tube steak, I guess I could fork out some cash for you. What are we looking at here roughly? Take whatever you make/steal per month and divide it by, oh well, 500, and I can afford to pay you that much.
In conclusion, I would just like to mention, that I can speak Norwegian, rather well I might add. I am extremely open minded, and would like to experience first hand from you what Norwegian culture is about. I want to go to Kautokeino and meet Same people, I want to wear a yellow rain hat, I want a bunad, I want to like sodd and mackerel in tomatoes and I want to go on cross country skiing trips and eat oranges and Kvikk Lunsj with you. I hope you take this to heart, I really would like to hear back from you with maybe some constructive criticism.
I wish you the best of luck in your new position as "arbeidsminister".
Have a fantastic evening my darling Anniken.
PS. I have included a screencap of my desktop as proof that I love you.
For those of you that actually have an interest in Norwegian politics, you can see the real article here:
For those of you that would like to see Anniken lisp, you can watch it here:
i''m thinking back to a evening in groningen when you said; my evdeavers with the oppisited sex wasnt going that well. but looks like thinings are looking up for you nic !!
ReplyDeleteGreetings form ellen & craig